AYURVEDA PERSPECTIVE ON CHILDCARE DRAINING

Some of the happiest parents we know are parents who discipline their children - molding their children into individuals that are integrated into the rhythms of their family.

Without this discipline, family life with multiple kids becomes chaotic, and overwhelming. These parents are also cut off from society because they feel they cannot take their kids even to the grocery store.

Some of the unhappiest, most frustrated, and exhausted parents we know are parents that are unwilling to discipline their children for one reason or another.

In raising my 7 kids I've tried several parenting methods. Here's what I found works best.

Routine

Children need a strong routine to thrive. In our household, children go to bed at 9:30pm and wake up naturally at 8:30pm. This works for us because it gives dad plenty of time with the kids after work, and because we home school they can sleep in.

You may need to adjust this schedule for your work or school routine.

When they misbehave, I try to notice if my child is hungry, tired, or thirsty, and fulfill these needs. Sometimes, children misbehave when they are coming down with a fever.

However, hunger, thirst, and tiredness is not a get out of jail free card. Even when children are hungry, thirsty, or tired, they must follow social norms of good behavior in our household. Poor behavior warrants discipline, even when a child has a real need.

Babies under 9 months old are too young to even know they are misbehaving so they are an exception to this.

Disciplining Children

Disciplining well is an art - the book series on "love & logic" shows how to be a loving, empathetic parent while teaching natural consequences to behaviors.

The essence of love and logic is minimizing power struggles with the child, by letting circumstances be the source of discipline. This allows you to empathize with the child.

Empathy allows the child to feel seen and heard, while natural consequences provide appropriate correction. Here are some examples that increase empathy for all involved, and affirms everyone's dignity:

• You really wanted to play with that toy, didn't you?
• How are you feeling right now?
• Look at your brother. Do you see how hurt he is?
• Look at your sweet mommy. She loves you. How could you be mean to her?

Here are some examples of natural consequences:

• When children complain, they must come up with 3 things they are grateful for
• When children complain about food, take the food away instead of yelling. Give the food back when they ask for it.
• If children love potty talk, give them what they want. Send them to sit and stare at the potty.
• If the child refuses to clean up, put whatever toys remain in a two week trash bin.
• If the child refuses to come when called, restrain them in a highchair for several minutes.
• If a child's reckless behavior breaks something of yours that is important, take away the child's favorite toys.
• If a child is harsh, take away their pillow, or something soft and sweet.
• If the child is upsetting the household, send them outside.

Whenever a toy or pillow is taken away, make the child do a chore to get the toy back. The chore can be simple, as picking up 5 things in a room. Or, more complicated, as in "do the dishes" or "vacuum the kitchen."

To the child, the home is a microcosm of the whole world. As a parent, you want to be loving and forgiving, but also to ensure the household accurately reflects what reality is like outside the home.

Giving Kids Choices

To minimize their experience of parent-control, we find many opportunities to allow kids to exercise control - from choosing the book to read, to activities, to choosing a movie or ice-cream flavor, etc.

Choices give children the experience of controlling their life, while still providing an important structure and container for children to thrive.

The Minimum Parent Control

I try to establish, at a minimum, these rules with my young toddlers. The first is to sit down immediately when told. This command is essential to avoid many dangerous situations, such as running towards a busy street with cars.

The second important rule is coming when called.

We practice these commands frequently in the home, so they work without power struggles outside.

Dealing with Defiance

Sometimes, children test the parent by refusing to listen altogether, creating a power struggle.

In a power struggle, the parent must figure out a way to win without shouting. Shouting undermines parental authority and is generally ineffective.

We've seen many examples of parents who give up in power struggles, and the result is that the household is led by the child. This leads to poor outcomes, as children are not yet fit to lead the family.

Such parents end up resenting their children, instead of enjoying them.

When a child is defiant, all activities must stop until the child is compliant. This can mean restraining the child, sending the child to their room, and/or progressively taking away favorite privileges, treats, or toys.

Follow through is important. If you command a child to stop, you must follow through. Otherwise your words will lose their meaning.

In some cases, it is more "humane" and "less traumatic" to simply give a young child a spanking than a dogfight that lasts hours. Spanking is a quick punishment and then everyone can get back to normal life. But the effectiveness of spanking is limited.

Punishments must never be given with anger. Instead give punishment with sorrow - remember it is the circumstance that warrants the punishment, not mommy's or daddy's wrath. "Oh that is so sad you now have to clean the room," is better than "Clean the room or I'm going to shout at you."

Training, Not Just Disciplining

Very often, children are told what "not to do" with very little instruction on what "to do".

Training is just as important as discipline, if not more so. When children are out of control, the natural consequence is training on how to behave.

"Lady walking" or "Gentleman Walking" is a natural consequence to unruly behavior. In these, the child practices regaining a pleasant composure while walking. We often give our child three laps between the bedroom and the bathroom, about 25 feet away from each other.

When attitudes degenerate, the children also practice saying "Yes, Mommy","Yes, Daddy," or "Yes, Grandpa."

Children have to calm down before they can rejoin the society of the family.

The Kid's Diet

Children eat the same foods as parents in our household. In fact, when teaching our children to eat we start all of our babies on blue cheese. Then progressively move to tastier foods. So, our children automatically eat everything on the household menu with minimal fuss.

Conflict Avoidance

Conflict avoidance can be a healthy instinct among adults. However, conflict avoidance has made many a parent miserable as their home life degenerates into constant power struggles with the child usually having the upper hand.

In these circumstances, let love for your children drive your desire for their perfection. They will find a fight with mommy is a much more loving fight than a fight in the outside world.

Regular Chores

A Harvard study showed the single greatest predictor of success in life is chores as a child. Regular, routine chores make a child a proud participant in the family, encourage generosity and sacrifice, and teach a child important domestic skills.

In our household, children also get chores when they disrupt the household.

Does it Work?

Parenting is a "practice" not a math equation.

Across our 7 children, we've tried many techniques that work and many that do not.

None of the techniques work every time. But over time we've seen results from the above methods.